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-  Why do so few couples experience true sexual fulfillment? 
-  Perfectly designed - to drive each other crazy?  
-  Why do many seek fulfillment through immorality?  
-  Communicating heart to heart 
-  G.A.P. - Guided Application Project 
-  A Few Cautions 

(Art by Rusty Frenter, "Genesis" - Leanin' Tree Cards)

In Ephesians 5:31-32, God's Word tells us the highest picture of intimacy between Christ and His Church is the "one flesh" relationship of husband and wife. Does sex have anything to do with God's glory (Eph 1:6; 12; 14)?  In Christian circles, it seems that the subject of sexual counseling is often treated in one of two extremes. It's either ignored, or it degenerates into a mirror image of the world's advice. What makes this even more tragic is that the Bible contains the very counsel couples need, because it is counsel from the Creator of sex. 

First of all, realize that marriage and sex are not forever. In Matthew 22:30, Jesus says, "For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven." But don't be discouraged. Remember the Ephesians 5:31-32 statement about the relationship of Christ and the church pictured in the "one flesh" union of husband and wife. Even the physical pleasure of marital intimacy is part of this picture of the spiritual intimacy we (the church) will have in heaven with Christ. So, the absence of sex in heaven won't bother anyone, because full spiritual intimacy with Christ will be incomprehensibly satisfying (John 17:3; 1Cor 13:12). The pleasure of physical intimacy here on earth will pale in comparison to the awesome experience of knowing God fully (1Cor 13:12). 

The world is obsessed with sex as the key to fulfillment. Yet, spiritual intimacy with God is the real answer to sexual fulfillment (Heb 13:4). The quality of our life and relationships - now and forever - depends on Jesus. "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent" (John 17:3). 

So, true sexual intimacy must be dependent on the depth of spiritual intimacy the husband and wife maintain together with God. Your prayerful, active submission to the Lord is a prerequisite for sexual oneness (Eph 5:18). We no longer have to be naked, ashamed, and divided.  Through submission to the Holy Spirit, we can enjoy the union Adam and Eve experienced before their rebellion.  But when we selfishly pull from one another to feel loved and fulfilled, we pull the relationship apart. Instead, each spouse must draw from God's Spirit and let His love overflow as a gift to the other (John 15:4-5; Rom 5:5-8; Gal 2:20; 4:19; 5:22-25; Eph 5:18). 

Perfectly designed - to drive each other crazy? 
Have you ever felt like your spouse was perfectly designed to drive you crazy? Good news, the truth is we are actually designed to drive each other to God! We are like two gears that must mesh together for the machine to flow as designed. What's needed is the right source of power (Acts 1:8), and the right knowledge to make the gears fit (John 17:17). Living with another person who thinks, acts, feels, and remembers very differently provides many opportunities for self-denial. Our goal must be holiness first and happiness only as a result. Someone once shared a great tool for remembering the biblical priorities for unconditional happiness, J.O.Y.. If you seek to please Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself third, then and only then is true joy possible. We must choose to live separately in character from this selfish world. We are to deny our "rights" and desires, submitting to the Spirit as He lives His servant love through us (Luke 9:23-26; Gal 5:16-25; Eph. 4:30). Gratefully embracing our spouse as a gift designed to drive us to God is the key toward intimacy (Rom 8:28-29). 

Why do many seek fulfillment through immorality? 
Safe sex is only possible under the covering of a covenant commitment with God as authority. Then and only then is the fear of rejection and abandonment reduced (Gen. 2:25; Heb 13:5). The fear of the Lord protects against the sinful tendency to look for greener grass when temptation arises. 

God's way to sexual fulfillment works by reaching deeper, spiritually, to build soul to soul intimacy. Man's way merely deceives, by grasping for more at the surface level: a new person, a kinky activity, or pornography, etc.. But this kind of a search won't satisfy. It leads to an ever increasing cycle of frustration. It often ends in immorality which the person or couple would never have considered years before. 

In contrast, God's way is to build a stable home like a three-level pyramid. When severe earthquakes recently shook Egypt, modern skyscrapers fell. But the pyramids stood firm. Why? Because of the geometric ratio of the foundation to the apex. You can't push it over! Likewise, God's kind of marriage should rest on a heavy emphasis (Mat 7: 24-29) of spiritual intimacy wrapped around the Lord's holy, agape love (Eccl 4:9-12). God's love is a self-sacrificial attitude that finds its greatest joy in giving to another. Then on this basis, the couple is to build mutual friendship (Deut 24:5) as they communicate and learn more of one another's needs and desires (Eph 4-5). Finally, as the by product of the first two levels, sexual attraction and technique should play only a peripheral role (Desire - epithumia, Mat 5:28; 13:17; Luke 22:15; ). Sexual attraction is to be the fruit growing out of the first two levels. But, man's "natural" way creates an upside down pyramid. Can you imagine how easily such a structure will be toppled by a little quake or storm? That's why people keep "falling in and out of love". If the self-focused physical aspects become the foundation, then one serious car accident or fire devastates the couple's intimacy, unnecessarily. 

None of this is to say that the physical should be ignored. It just needs to be in the right priority. We are each to present our physical bodies the very best they can be for God and our spouse (1Cor 6:19-20; 7:1-4). Also there are some basic medical facts that help in understanding and enjoying the God designed physical differences between men and women. For a very practical and biblical resource for information on the physiological aspects of sex, see the book, INTENDED FOR PLEASURE, by Ed Wheat, MD.. 

Communicating heart to heart 
We can't read minds. So we must personally reveal our heart in communication to better know one another. Prayer is communication with God and is essential to knowing one another. When we recommend to couples that they pray before, during, and after making love they often look shocked. They seem to have the attitude that sex and prayer should be mutually exclusive activities. But our Creator desires to share all of life with us. Prayer is submission under God's authority, and encourages the denial of selfishness, and the forgiveness of any unresolved resentments. Bitterness is like acid on the one flesh relationship. 

Many biblical books are available to help couples learn to communicate in a Christ-like manner. Wayne Mack's book, Your Family God's Way, is an excellent example. Just remember, the key to communication is heart attitude not the number of memorized skills. We prove this fact every time the phone rings during a childish argument with our spouse. We straighten up and politely answer the phone, because we want to look good publicly. Motive determines behavior (Heb 4:12). And the right motive, loving God and neighbor above self, will produce consistently Spirit-filled communication. 

To "Know" One Another Sexually

Some couples have experienced such tension, misunderstanding, and hurt that their sex life is non-existent. In that case, a safe way to renew sexual activity is to plan a night to simply enjoy the non-sexual sharing of physical closeness. 
For example you could either: 
Hold one another (clothed or unclothed) in bed. 
Give one another a back rub or full massage. 

[Be sensitive to one another with NO expectations, & don't criticize!] 

Learning To Talk About Sex - 

Questions To Ask Your Spouse 

Conversation? 
1. What do you believe is right vs. wrong sexual language (Eph 5:4)? 
2. What conversation makes you feel the most comfortable? 
3. What conversation makes you feel the most loved? 
4. What conversation makes you feel sexually attractive? 

Direct & to the point (Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Solomon 7:7)? 
Indirect & subtle (Song of Solomon 4:12-13)? 

Serious or silly? (There is nothing inherently or biblically wrong with child-like & silly talk in the sexual relationship. But learn what your spouse likes and don't over-use silly joking to avoid serious intimacy) 

Atmosphere? 
1. Dim light? Candle light? No light? Lots of Light? 
2. Quiet & no music? Music? What kind of music? 
3. The bedroom? Or some other room? Shower? Or some other place??? 
4. Spontaneous & spur of the moment, or a planned event? 

Actions? 
1. What are appropriate sexual behaviors according to Scripture & medical hygiene say (Heb 13:4)? 
2.  Do you exercise & eat right so you can present your body the best you can as a gift to your spouse (1Cor 7:1-5)?  
3.  Where, when, & what kind of touch is pleasurable? 

- Be creative, The possibilities are endless... Talk, openly while making love so you can learn. 

Initiating? 
1. Do you feel insecure initiating? Why? 
2. What is the best way? Directly with words? What words should you use? - Practice using phrases that emphasize your desire to share intimacy, not just a desire for your own sexual pleasure. 
3. Indirectly with touch? What kind of touch should I use? - Remember, physical communication does not, and should not always mean you want to have sex. We also need to learn non-sexual ways of expressing love physically (massage, hugs, etc.). 
4. By preparing the bedroom...etc? 
5. By a card or love note?